Is it Selfish to Enjoy Doing Acts of Selflessness?

This is Buddy. A month ago, we made the decision to foster Buddy permanently. "Permanent foster" sounds like an oxymoron, but that's what she is. Buddy will be 17 in September, so the rescue she was surrendered to isn't putting her up for adoption, but she needs a retirement home, and that's what we'll be. She spent her first night here yesterday.

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Sometimes I question whether or not I'm a good person. I know nobody can be perfect, and trust me, I've got some faults. I'm not very good at confrontation and come off passive aggressive, I can be too judgmental, and I generally don't trust others.

Then there's all the good things I do. I volunteer. A lot. In the past, I've volunteered for the Canadian Cancer Society, a learning disabilities center, The United Way, a kids summer camp, seniors lodges, The Sexual Assault Center of Edmonton and as a photographer for a Remembrance Day ceremony. I currently volunteer for my community league, Elf Anonymous, and The Greater Edmonton Animal Rescue Society (where we got Buddy).

Volunteering is a complex addiction of mine. I don't expect accolades for anything I do. I become involved with the causes I feel strongly towards. I believe in strong communities and neighbourly bonds. I believe in giving seniors validation of their existence when life gets lonely. And I believe that animals are pure creations of the Universe that deserve kindness and the experience of love at least once in their lives. I volunteer for all these things because sitting idly and choosing to do nothing where I can help create change in one aspect of the world is not an option.

The addicting part of volunteering is where things confuse me. I'm addicted to the feeling I get from volunteering. It makes me feel, and believe, that I am a good person. When I volunteer and realize that I am slowly contributing to something that feels like how the world is supposed to be, I feel really good about myself. I am mighty, I am powerful, and I am a really nice person.

Is it selfish to feel this way? Am I volunteering for the wrong reasons? Isn't volunteering supposed to be 100% selfless? You aren't supposed to give yourself credit for doing work that isn't supposed to be about you, right?How am I supposed to be doing a selfless act when it makes me feel so good about myself in the end? Doesn't that mean that it's no longer "selfless" and now I am just doing it for the "selfish" reasons?

These are all questions I have to ask myself when I get the "activist high". At some point, I tell myself to calm down, and that - no matter the reason I take on these hats - at least the job is being done. Because doing is better than ignoring.

Does that still make me a good person? I'm not sure, but I do know Buddy is happily settling into our home.