The Shame of Being Married when Singledom is so Rough

My social media as of late has been flooded with articles and memes telling me exactly why I need to be ashamed of my marriage. Cheering on the singles out there, they root for those who are on a life journey, figuring out who they are, and trying to create better versions of themselves for their future. The women who don't need a man to help them get there, and who are doing it completely on their own.

But the truth is that I, too, am on a life journey of figuring out who I am and trying to create a better version of myself.

I just happen to have a partner and a ring on my finger to do it.

The articles and memes I've come across have been telling the following about what kind of person I am for choosing to get married:

"Being married means you are not an independent woman"

"Being married means you base your worth off what others think of you"

"Being married means you are not thinking for yourself or trying to achieve your personal goals anymore"

and my personal favourite,

"Being married means you think you are more accomplished than single women"

So let's address these:

"Being married means you are not an independent woman"

Yes, there are some things I don't like to do alone. I won't go to a movie by myself. Sometimes I ask my husband to drive me to places because I'm directionally challenged and don't want to get lost (or because I have poor time management and miss the bus). And if I'm trying something new and scary, I want him to join me. However, these are all things that single people would like a friend to tag along for as well.

I still go to my exercise classes, volunteer with the groups I support, and start my own side-projects - often without telling my husband until an hour before the event takes place. There are many social outings I go to - especially with my girl friends - where the husband is not in attendance. We each have our own interests and dreams, and operate as individuals who happen to love each other and sometimes share things in common.

"Being married means you base your worth off what others think of you"

Self-esteem doesn't change with relationship status. Rather, our own issues with how we feel relative to others' opinions of us has nothing to do with how much we desire, or don't desire, to be in a relationship in this point in time. I generally do care about how others think of me, as much as I attempt to pretend I don't. However, I cared about what people thought of me when I was five, and dating wasn't even something that existed in my vocabulary. I don't know if my desire to be validated by others influenced my choice to get married, but I can say I try less to impress others since meeting someone who allowed me to completely be myself and decided that was good enough.

"Being married means you are not thinking for yourself or trying to achieve your personal goals anymore"

Right now, I'm in University. I am doing my own projects, and I've started up a little tradition at Christmas that was something I fully believe in. My husband has told me to step back several times from the amount of effort I put into general life events, but I have a really hard time listening to him. 

There are days I turn down social events because I'd rather stay home with my husband, or where I tell others "hold on, I need to ask him what our plans are for that night". However, I think I'm allowed those moments, or else there wouldn't be much of a relationship.

"Being married means you think you are more accomplished than single women"

The only time I have thought a person was less accomplished than me for being single is when they have presented it as a problem, and insist on telling me how negative their life is because they don't have a partner. In fact, I don't consider that a lack of accomplishment, but a lack of personality and independence. Seeing singledom - or marriage - as a problem only shows that you are too concerned about relationship status and either how others view you for it, or you are unhappy with some other aspect of your life and dealing with it incorrectly.

Marriage has never been an accomplishment to me. Marriage is just something I decided I wanted when I met somebody I wanted it with. I'd like to be able to enjoy it without having to feel guilty for "bragging" when somebody is currently taking a different life path than me. At one point in my life, I was never going to get married - and that's okay for people who choose that path too. 

My advice is to embrace singledom when it happens, and congratulate the marriages.

Being single or married isn't a thing to be judged. Life unfolds however it does, and nobody can predict where it's going to take you. Some people find a really good match, others don't. Some people don't want to find a match and have other priorities in life. Most of us don't have a clue what we're doing.

These articles and memes we read perpetuate a sense of guilt. We're supposed to feel shameful that we're happy and in love. We're not supposed to post pictures of us with our spouse, or write really heartfelt public messages to them. We are defenseless to our single friends when we complain about being tired and they shoot back with "well, at least you have someone to help with that". There are so many things married women are made to feel bad about in these articles. By all means, yes, cheer on the independent woman who doesn't need a man's validation. But there's a way to do it without comparing a single woman to a married one, and degrading the married women for having that man in their life.

Relationships are complicated enough. Let's try not to add judgement into the mix.