Dwelling, and the Art of Letting Go

Over the weekend, I was brought to face one of my greater demons: 

I dwell on things a lot.

Even when I know something is in the past, and that's where it belongs, if it gets brought up, I instantly become thrown into a consecutive week of replaying the incident in my mind. Realizing this has lead to another one of my other most hated attributes about myself: 

I'm easily drawn into gossip. 

Even when I know in my heart that I don't need to be a part of a conversation, and can easily suggest I don't want to talk about a person, part of my brain thrives on being able to join in on the secrets being told behind a person's back.

In the past, I've removed people from my life who induce me to gossip. I've avoided socialization for months after being brought into my dwelling state, simply to be able to "get over" something I thought I was already over. I tell myself the environment I'm around is negatively affecting the way I think about people and the way I worry about decisions I've made. The reality, though, is that

I need to be the one in control.

I need to take a look at why I'm drawn to gossip, why I continue to relive the past and play out scenarios that could have changed it, and why I care what others think of how I handled a situation. My decisions are mine alone, and I need to stand up for them. I need to tell people that when I choose to not associate with others, it doesn't mean that I want to incessantly dissect their nature without their awareness. I need to tell people that yes, maybe I didn't handle something in the best way, but with my abilities and knowledge at the time, I did what needed to be done. I need to be proud of those decisions, and stop looking for a way to explain why I made them - to others or myself. I need to stop explaining entirely. It's none of anyone's business, and I know deep down that I've allowed myself to move forward from negativity. I need to stop aiming to demonstrate that negativity to others and allow them to figure it out for themselves.

I need to make more room in my brain to focus on me, where I am, and where I'm headed.

Forget about the rest. Forget about what others are doing. Forget about what's already been done. I'll just do me.

A few months ago, I found a meditation called letting go, which has helped me immensely. I need to remind myself to go back to that place when I start to get dragged into my primitive mental patterns.

The Best and Worst Coexisting in Time

I came across these benches the other day:

The one on the left says "The worst bench on 118th ave", and the one on the right says "The best bench on 118th ave".

Normally, I don't pay attention to where I'm walking, and I've passed these benches a million times. But that day, I was putting up posters on the post between these benches and happened to notice their message.

It made me think about perspective - how "the best" and "the worst" coexist in time together, and the only reason we see one over the other is based on the angle we see the situation from.

Recently, I was involved in planning a festival, that, two weeks before the date, was rendered a $0 budget. It was the worst time - trying to plan something that was supposed to have funding. But it was the best time - coming together as a team and seeing everyone who pitched in to pull off something that seemed impossible. I chose to focus on the latter. The day of the event, I thought it was the most fun I've had in a long time at a community festival. I even danced to some music, and I completely white-girl-dance to the point of being too embarrassed to do it in public. I actually was excited to see children approach me to play my carnival games (where I offered to be, even though I'm not a kids person). And I almost teared up out of joy a few times.

People approached me telling me how stressed out they were - the bathrooms were overflowing, we were running out of BBQ food, there were a couple of vendors who were unhappy, and a few awkward encounters because of miscommunication. Each time somebody told me something, my internal response was "THIS IS AWESOME!!!" It was the best day. For some, it was the worst day. But it was all in the perspective of the beholder.

FYI, there was enough BBQ for those who wanted it, vendors settled down, and the toilets remained disgusting, but as far as I know, nobody peed their pants.

Gratitudes 2.0

Lately, I've been feeling a little monotonous. Boring. Restless. 

The wedding is over. For a ten months, I had The Biggest Day of My Life to plan. I looked forward to summer. While I continue to bask in the light of this season and the newlywed bliss, change in my dreamy world is afoot. I go back to University in three days. I love learning, and I actually enjoy school, but the daunting Adult Responsibility and Routine are creeping up on me. That means going back to meal-planning and prepping, and having long days fueled by Starbucks. No more naps, or sleeping in. Also, I haven't done a full body work out in almost a year, and I'm finally starting to feel like the lazy piece of lard I am. That feeling should have set in sooner, but honestly, when I was so busy mentally, I didn't feel as terrible physically. I forced myself to sign up for a fitness class today in hopes I can get a routine going.

Today calls for some gratitude to push the "blah" out of my brain.

Today I am grateful for:

1. Eggs

Eggs are the easy protein I need when I want a well-balanced meal. Tonight, I made Korean rice bowls with vinegar-y veggies and a fried gooey egg on top, and it comforted every part of my insides.

2. Artistic Outlets

I love to paint. So much that I don't have room for my paintings anywhere in my house. Many of them are amateur, and not really worth an art show, but I like it. Today, I included my dogs in the art and made flowers.

3. Solo time with Mom

I don't get a lot of visits with just me and my mom. I find it really difficult to have a good conversation at family dinners. In fact, if it were up to me, I'd only do coffee visits with anyone in my family. My mom paid me a visit today and it was a great interaction without all the background noise and
interruptions that usually come with my family.

It's important to be grateful when you feel inevitable forces dragging you down.

Gratefully Yours,

Jillanne Fay