Stop Caring

Do people actually have zero fucks to give? What is that like? I'd want to know.

I tell myself - and others - over, and over that I really don't care, that I can be myself and will be my happiest if I just stay true to myself. And that's all true...to an extent.

When somebody I have an imaginary sense of loyalty to hurts my feelings - because yes, names will always hurt me - I spiral. I start caring, and I'm back to junior high, where I was willing to be the butt of a joke, willing to act out for attention, willing to play up the "oblivious weirdo" that everyone loved me for - all for a friend.

Why do we care about having friends? There are only a few, that I have found, who truly let you be yourself. The happiest version of you. And no matter what the Internet memes say, or people cheer themselves on about, there's always a tiny little fuck to give. Even when I try to shove it down, it's there, and the smallest thing will remind me of it.

I know I can't expect somebody to save my feelings, to censor their comments to me, and not be their truest self. I don't want anyone to change for me, but then it leaves me to question why I constantly find myself trying to change for others. Why do I need to mask my reactions, show them that I'm not hurt by their comments?  Why should I avoid setting boundaries for the sake of avoiding a two hour drawn out conversation that always, always leaves me in tears and forces me to contemplate whether the friendship is worth it?

I'm tired of caring, but I can't stop caring.