Stop Caring

Do people actually have zero fucks to give? What is that like? I'd want to know.

I tell myself - and others - over, and over that I really don't care, that I can be myself and will be my happiest if I just stay true to myself. And that's all true...to an extent.

When somebody I have an imaginary sense of loyalty to hurts my feelings - because yes, names will always hurt me - I spiral. I start caring, and I'm back to junior high, where I was willing to be the butt of a joke, willing to act out for attention, willing to play up the "oblivious weirdo" that everyone loved me for - all for a friend.

Why do we care about having friends? There are only a few, that I have found, who truly let you be yourself. The happiest version of you. And no matter what the Internet memes say, or people cheer themselves on about, there's always a tiny little fuck to give. Even when I try to shove it down, it's there, and the smallest thing will remind me of it.

I know I can't expect somebody to save my feelings, to censor their comments to me, and not be their truest self. I don't want anyone to change for me, but then it leaves me to question why I constantly find myself trying to change for others. Why do I need to mask my reactions, show them that I'm not hurt by their comments?  Why should I avoid setting boundaries for the sake of avoiding a two hour drawn out conversation that always, always leaves me in tears and forces me to contemplate whether the friendship is worth it?

I'm tired of caring, but I can't stop caring. 

...and then it hit me

I'm done University.

I. Am. Done. University.

I finished my last class two months ago, my last exam a week later. Just now, the reality of my life is hitting me. I'm no longer a student. I am a living, breathing adult, who has finished the era that is most commonly associated with your 20s, although I barely escaped it before my 20s were over.

So this is the picture of adulthood:
-Working full time
-Relaxing evenings, equally 1 part lazy, and 1 part trying to figure out how to keep busy
-Scheduling my "fun" into regular evening and weekend hours
-Trying to balance the small remnants of a social life I have
-Volunteering, always
-More cuddle time with my dogs, out of guilt of not spending nearly enough time with them from 8-5pm anymore
-Figuring out what my new hobbies will be (I may or may not have ventured into the worlds of colouring books, excessive Netflix watching, and my first grab at DnD - which I loved)
-Failing to exercise due to fatigue and scheduling
-Occasionally eating Mr. Noodles for dinner

For some reason, when I was a child, I pictured being an adult as having some sort of symbol - you'd know when you made it. But it turns out, I don't know I made it. I don't think I ever will, and I'm starting to think that might be a good thing. If life is a constant period of transition, it means you're progressing, moving forward, through a roadmap without any specific direction. If I ever stop and think "this is where I should stay", I think I might be ready to die. If there aren't any more steps to take forward, then where are you really going? What is the point?

Maybe this is what adulthood feels like. Moving too fast to really want to slow down.

Onward to new life chapters, I suppose!